We often heard people saying that before jumping into a relationship — one must understand oneself. However, more often than not people misjudge the depth of their own knowledge, especially about themselves. Take an example, in terms of a relationship.
Attachment in a Nutshell
After another painful breakup with our loved ones, one might wonder:
“Why did I keep falling into the same mistakes, the same relationship pattern?”
Now, let’s rewind and look back at our childhood.
Attachment styles are formed since we were a child. These styles are affected by the interaction between the parents/caregiver and the child, which eventually translated to the attachment styles in a romantic relationship during adulthood.
According to John Bowlby, attachment can be described as a lasting attachment between individuals. He states that a child’s early experiences are crucial as these experiences will affect his/her behavior and development in the future. In addition, he believes that attachment facilitates survival. This means that human in nature has a strong inclination to form a bond with other individuals in order to survive.
4 Characteristics of Attachment
- Proximity: Closeness to people one’s attached to
- Safe haven: The sense of safety & security from the attachment figure when facing a fear or danger
- Security base: A sense of security provided by the attachment figure which allows the child to explore his/her surroundings
- Separation Distress: Distress and anxiety caused by the absence of the attachment figure
4 Styles of Attachment
Based on research done by Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan, there are 4 types of attachment: Secure Attachment, Anxious Preoccupied Attachment, Fearful Avoidant, and Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Secure Attachment
Children who possess this type of attachment consider their parents or caregivers as their secure base where they can freely explore and independently seek out the world. This attachment style will be then translated to adulthood, whereby secure individuals are more likely to have a secure relationship with their partners.
Secure individuals will provide comfort to their partners who currently feel unhappy while also seek their partner’s comfort when they feel down. They are independent and are willing to be open, honest, and equal. They allow their partners to be independent too.
There is no “fantasy bond” within a secure relationship. A fantasy bond happens when individuals experience a false sense of safety in the illusion of connection. In a fantasy-bond type of relationship, people misunderstand routine and emotionally-absent form of connection as acts of love, while in reality, fantasy bond is not based on love.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
In contrast to secure attachment, individuals with anxious attachment are eager, sometimes even desperate to form a fantasy-bond type of relationship. They are hungry for emotional bonds with others in order to meet their emotional needs. As a result, they can become very clingy, demanding, or possessive towards their partners, especially if they don’t feel safe or unsure about the relationship.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Just like its name, people with this type of attachment have the likelihood to emotionally put a barrier between themselves and their partners. They may isolate themselves and experience pseudo-independent.
Pseudo-independent is an illusion where individuals believe that they don’t need to establish connections with anyone else. They tend to detach themselves, live a more secluded life, and shut down emotionally. Additionally, they have the ability to tune out their feelings when dealing with confrontation. For instance, they can easily respond “ I don’t care” when their partners are threatening to leave them.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Fearful avoidant attachment can be explained as “ambivalent” attachment because individuals with this type of attachment fear being too close or too far from other people. They often experience emotional storms which lead to unpredictable moods.
In a relationship, they search for a meaningful connection with their partners but at the same time, if their partners get too close, they will push them away. They are afraid to be left behind while also afraid to be too intimate. They get clingy to their loved ones when they feel abandoned and feel trapped when others get too personal. As a result of this off timing, they could be stuck in a dramatic and rollercoaster kind of relationship.
In conclusion, please note that the attachment style we adopted since we were little as a result of our relationship with our parents or caregiver doesn’t completely predict the ways of dealing with significant others in the future. The importance of knowing our attachment style is to let us know more about ourselves like our fears or insecurities as well as to understand our behavior and thoughts when engaging in a relationship. Thus, understanding both our and our partner’s attachment style, it would be easier for individuals to maintain a loving and supportive relationship.
Sources:
- How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
- The Different Types of Attachment Styles. https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344
