3..2..1 “Happy New Year!”. Another new year, another resolution for a better year. After the pandemic hit 2020 hard on the core, we all wish 2021 will start and end with a better note.
For me personally, a new year means a new chapter of life, new resolution, new hobbies, new determination, new goals but definitely not a new relationship.
I was in a relationship when the new year rolled in but I was unhappy. In my mind, I created different scenarios about when and how I will end this 1-year, stagnant relationship with a guy who I didn’t feel as connected as I used to when we first start dating. The relationship wasn’t toxic or abusive, it just felt bland and monotone. We called almost every day on Skype. He did his thing and I did my own work. Yet, I felt lonely, more than when I was alone.
Looking back at our relationship, we never had a deep and serious talk about the future. Back then, there are several attempts I did to steer the conversation to a serious one or to ask a simple question like “What’s your plan for the future?” but there were no proper answers to those questions. Either he dodged the question or get annoyed with me for asking questions that he didn’t even know the answer to. As time went by, we grew apart as either of us even “try” to initiate a proper conversation.
After mustering the courage & reminding myself that I deserved a guy who loves and appreciates me, we break up.
Here are some personal lessons I learned from this last relationship:
- Don’t Jump Into A Relationship when You’re Lonely
Our relationship was the product of two people who were lonely. When I met him, I was depressed and lonely as I was alone studying in a new country where I didn’t know anyone and didn’t have friends. So was he. He was depressed about his toxic relationship with his ex-girlfriend. Lonely because he lived alone by himself, away from his family. We met through a mutual friend, played online games together, and instantly clicked as we had common similarities: we were the only child in the family and we liked to play online games.
But I wasn’t ready for the relationship at all at that time (I didn’t realize it) as at that time too, I just ended a relationship with a close friend. I felt lonely and wanted someone to accompany me during those tough times. He was there and my life was complete.
2. Understand Your Inner Child Trauma or Struggles that Affect Your Relationship Pattern
I always ask myself after a breakup.”Why did I keep falling into the same hole? Why did I keep liking guys who never appreciate all the love I have given to them?”
I looked back to my childhood. I was the only child so I got my parent’s full attention, but I couldn’t communicate with them. My parents and I had a pretty huge age gap, around 40 years gap, so you can imagine how my viewpoints towards the world were completely different from theirs. We were never on the same page. Every time, I told stories about the school or my friends, it ended up with me getting scolded. Thus, I stopped sharing my private life with them anymore. I kept everything to myself and wished that I would find someone with whom I can share my stories to. It eventually affected my judgment when looking for a boyfriend. If he is someone who will lend ears to listen to all my thoughts and stories then I am in!
I was finding someone who can fill the communication gap left by my parents and was ignoring other qualities and personalities. Therefore, it wasn’t a surprise anymore that this toxic cycle kept repeating itself over time until I decided to break-free from it.
3. Understand and Focus on Yourself
I knew this sound so cliché but it resonated with me like never before. I didn’t appreciate myself enough back then that I didn’t mind lowering my standard as long as I didn’t feel alone and lonely. Boy, I was wrong.
It was much better to be alone and single rather than to be in an unhappy relationship with someone who didn’t even deserve you or your love. Channel that same effort and energy to your own personal development, be it in terms of career or character and I guaranteed, it will worth a thousand times more.
In conclusion, these were the main 3 points that I learned and applied in my own personal life after that last breakup. Going through a breakup may be rough and tough, being alone again may feel foreign and sad but remember “there’s sunshine behind a storm”
Thank you for reading! Please feel free to leave any comments to share your thoughts or stories :)
